Broken Love
by HiddenWorldsOfWords
Summary: After Jace and Clary discovered the truth about Valentine they have a lot to talk about, which turns out to be more painful than they would've expected. Set after 1x11, spoilers for the episode.
**Hey there! So, this is my first fanfiction published in English EVER, so for eventual spelling or grammar mistakes I'm really sorry, but I tried my best! Please let me know if you liked or didn't like it in the reviews and keep in mind that both can be done in a friendly way!:) I wrote this a while after watching 1x11 of shadowhunters, so honestly I'm not sure what they already talked about and what they didn't talk about, I just felt like writing this!;) So for now, enjoy!**

I'm on the way to my room, holding my black leather jacket around me as tightly as possible. I'm freezing. The fact that everything just fell apart in every possible way isn't helping with that at all. I want to scream. Yell at someone, anyone. Preferably Valentine.

I stop when I hear a loud noise, coming from behind the door right next to me. It sounds like someone punching something and a little alarm in the back of my mind starts ringing. This is Jace's room. This sound, whatever it is, it's him.

I look at the dark wooden door that is now closed, but through that I've entered his room so many times already. Should I talk to him? I ask myself. Would he even want to talk to me?

Today had been hard. Not just for me and not just physically for Jace. I'd seen the expression on his face when he thought he'd found his father again; an expression so childishly innocent, it made my heart clench. He seemed so vulnerable in that moment. As if his walls just broke down and revealed all his emotions that he's so bent on hiding behind his cocky façade. He truly loved his father, I realized later. Despite everything that his father, our father, did to him while growing up, he still loved him.

To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be destroyed.

I also saw the look on his face when Valentine told us the truth. I saw the shadows creeping over his features and covering his golden eyes with a dark shape of brown. I saw him not being able to kill the man he hated most, because he realized that exactly that man was the one he'd loved so deeply.

That was the man, who'd killed his falcon and that was the man who taught him how to fight.

The only and last person he'd ever let himself love that much.

And I hate it.

I hate what Valentine did to him, what he did to us. Because all I want to do is make him forget about everything again. I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands gently caressing my cheeks. I want to run my fingers through his golden curls and I want to tell him that he's not alone; he never will be again. That I won't leave. Not ever.

But I can't. Because the damage Valentine has done is so much bigger than what we've expected. I will never be able to kiss Jace again, no matter how much I want to. He's my brother. I can't love him. And I can't let him love me, not anymore. He knows that. And I think it's killing him.

Slowly I approach the door and hesitate one moment, taking a deep breath, before I knock quietly, for some reason my hands slightly shaking. Inside I hear shuffling and muffled noises until Jace abruptly opens the door. He looks exhausted; his hair is messy and his face is unnaturally pale which, I conclude, is still because of his earlier injury. As soon as he looks at me I can literally see every emotion passing over his face. Only for a brief moment, though. In the blink of an eye he covers himself with the indifferent mask again. And I'd like to slap him for it.

"Can I come in?", I ask. I try to sound as self confident as I can, judging by his facial expression, however, I seem to be failing miserably.

He throws a glance over his shoulder into his room, apparently not being comfortable with my question at all. But he steps back anyway and I enter.

His room is a mess. All the books that were always so neatly standing on his white shelf are now laying on the ground, some opened, others missing pages. His bedside lamp is broken and also one door of his wardrobe is only crookedly hanging in its hinge.

"Yeah, uh.. I guess I'll have to fix that later", he mumbles with a forced smile. I turn to him, just looking at him for a moment, trying to figure out what's going through his mind. He won't let me, though. After a few seconds he turns away and starts restlessly pacing through the room, his hands in his pockets. It almost seems like he wants to stay as far away from me as possible.

"Jace, we need to talk", I say, trying to catch his gaze. Doesn't he want to talk, too? Does he just want this, us, to stay this way? Not being able to look at each other, let alone being able to have a normal conversation? I don't want that. If I can't love him, then I at least want him as a friend, a brother. I can't bare the thought of losing him. I won't.

"About what?" He stops walking and leans his back against the white wall, crossing his hands in front of his chest. "There's nothing to talk about, Clary. It's done."

"No, it's not. I want to talk about that. I want you to talk to me! That's not the end of everything!"

"Yes, it is", he replies. "And you can't change that"

He still doesn't look me in the eyes.

"How can you say that?" Something inside me ignites. I will not let him get through with this again; pretending not to care about all of it at all, even though anyone can see that it's the complete opposite.

"How can none of this matter to you? It does matter! It does matter to me! This is our life, not just yours. Don't you think all of this is affecting me, too?"

"Believe me, I know it is," he replies, his voice cold and serious. "But right now I'm sorry, but I can't do anything about it. And neither can you."

"So you're just okay with everything? Because I'm not and I know that..."

My voice breaks before I can finish my sentence and I swallow down the upcoming tears.

He rises his head a little and finally pierces his golden eyes on mine, almost daring me to break through to him. He looks so much older and at the same time the youngest I've ever seen him.

"Look," I start again, carefully controlling my voice. "We can't be together. I know that. And I know that you do, too. But I can't picture my life without you in it. I can't and I won't lose you... So I think we should stay friends, we should at least try to..."

He starts shaking his head, turning away, laughing a bitter, hard laugh. "Stay friends? Oh yeah, 'cause that's so gonna make everything okay, right?"

"Jace, I.."

"No, Clary. The answer is no. I can't be friends with you. I can't even look at you without being reminded of what I've lost." His voice sounds weak and, to my ears, broken. I want to see his eyes in that moment. To see inside him and try to understand.

He runs his fingers through his hair, exhaling loudly and slightly shaking his head again.

"I think you should go", he whispers eventually. And with that I know it's senseless. That this is it. That I've lost him. After everything that we've been through, after everything that he did for me, it's just ending, here and now. I nod without saying another word. Because words can't even get close to describe the pain that lights up in my chest. The pain of a loved person being ripped away from you by life. And having him here, right in front of me, seeing him fall apart and not knowing what to do to help; it was worse than losing him completely.

I am already at the door when he moves to his bed and sits down. I can hear his shaky breath, him obviously also trying to fight back the tears that made their way up. I stop, my hand on the door knob and look back. And as I see him sitting there, his head buried in his palms, looking like a lost child, I can't get myself to open that damn door.

Slowly, almost cautious, I approach him, stopping just a few meters in front of him. He doesn't seem to notice that I'm still there, though. He doesn't say anything and at first neither do I. But then I break the silence.

"I'm sorry.", I say. Startled, he rises his head and I can see the tears in his eyes. His long golden eyelashes are wet and a few shapes darker than I remember.

"I'm sorry about that friend-thing. It was a bad idea."

He doesn't answer and I look around uncomfortably, not sure what to say.

"Me too," he says suddenly. Surprised, I turn my head back to him only to see him staring at me. "I'm sorry, too," he repeats. He clears his throat before continuing and I make my way to the bed until I'm standing right next to him and sit down.

His voice is hoarse when he continues.

"It's just that, all of this," he makes a gesture showing everything around himself, "is just a little much, you know? And I try to keep it together, I really do, but..." He pauses and I see him swallowing hard. "Today when we saw... Valentine.. I thought I.. I thought I had him back" He looks at me for a brief moment, his eyes again being filled with tears. "My dad.." His voice is barely audible. "And then.. It just wasn't him. And at the same time it was totally him, it's just clear now. God, I don't even know who I am."

He covers his eyes with his hands again, a small sob escaping his mouth. Before I can stop myself I put one hand on his back, stroking it gently. It hurts, knowing that I'm only allowed to do that much when every fiber of my body tells me to do so much more. Surprised, he turns to me and looks me in the eyes for a moment. The raw look of confusion hits me harder than I would've expected and I swallow. But I don't want to be weak now. I want to stay strong, be there for him. So he knows that even if he lets his guard down for once, someone's still gonna be there to have his back.

How badly I want things to go back to the way they were.

"But I know who you are and soon you will, too,"I say sincerely, trying to make him understand. "You're still the same person, nothing's changed about that."

"But Valentine..."

"Valentine doesn't matter", I interrupt him. "You are your own person. You made your own choices what you want your life to be like and Valentine made his. You are still the same badass shadowhunter that you were before" -at that point I'm smiling- "and you are still Alec and Isabelle's brother. You are still Jace. It doesn't matter who your father is. Look at me. You knew that Valentine was my father, yet you still didn't judge me for the things he did. Because I'm not him"

"No, you're really not", he whispers. A small smile appeared on his lips while he listened to me. I know that he doesn't believe all of it yet. I know that he's still confused and hurt and trying to figure everything out that happened. But I'm okay with that. I know it takes time to heal and to forget or make peace with it. Hell, I had to make peace with it. But I also know that as long as we stick together, everything's gonna work out. After all we're family now.

"Thanks, Clary.", he says quietly. I know he means it now.

With a small nod I allow myself to stand up and walk towards the door. The weight on my shoulders that seemed to suffocate me just minutes ago is now replaced by hope that maybe, in the end, everything is going to be okay. I know there's still a lot to fix. And I know that things aren't going to go back to the way they were. Jace knows, too.

To stay oblivious to it would neither him nor me do any good.

Before I open the door again I turn around. He's looking in my direction, seemingly waiting for me to say something.

"Get some sleep", I say.

He nods. "You too"

I leave the room and quietly close the door behind me.

The End


End file.
